the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
i believe in u and ur pee
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
