Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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