I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
