I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
