Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Should I hook up with a slut its your call
Yes. Wrap it. If you dont have a condom do it anyway. YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Randomize
