Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
