Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
