Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
