if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
