I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
