dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
