Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
