Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Randomize
