I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
