I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
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