All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
