Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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