a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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