I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Randomize
