this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
