just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
