I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
