Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
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