In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
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