when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
