Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Can't talk, ducks in the car
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