Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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