Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
