that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
