The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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