i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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