What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
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