Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
You're like the curious george of whores
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Still dying that you shit outside
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
