I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
So vagazzling was a success
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Randomize
