I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
