who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
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