I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
