she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
