at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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