Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
It's blow job season.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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