I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
