I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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