im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
