Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize