i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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