pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Randomize
