He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
