Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
