Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
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