Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
