I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
