$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
