someone threw a dead crab at me
there was a trapeze. enough said
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
