Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
