I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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