So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I got inside last night via doggy door
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
