i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
