the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
