well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
