that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
