My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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