What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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