I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
