When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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