Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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