Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
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