It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Randomize
