They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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