White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
Randomize
