the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
